Survival Academy: ZA
by YoItsCece
Summary: Welcome to the Survival Academy. Here, we show no mercy. We walk each and every one of our trainees through steps thoroughly. There is no room for pansies. Continue on to this guideline and you'll learn how to survive the apocalypse. NOW GET MOVING!


Hello there. You must be wondering what the hell 'ZA' is. You'll learn that in a few moments. I'm here to get you prepared on every horror freak's dream. That's right. The zombie apocalypse. That's what the Z and A stand for. Couldn't figure it out? Then stop reading. You're obviously too much of a dumbass to follow rules. Anyway, here are some simple steps to surviving the tough times. So simple even a baby can do it. Not a caveman, because cavemen can't read and don't exist either way. Read these rules!

**Step 1: **Let's face it. We all know there will be an epidemic sooner or later with all the dumbasses tryna figure out "cures" for diseases. Why not prepare early? Get any kind of weapon permit. Follow the law for now so you don't have to rot in a contaminated jail cell later on. After the zombies, take out your double barrel and shoot the bitches down, they'll be too slow. If you're too weak to actually handle any kind of device, get over it. Zombies won't care if you're defenseless, so you NEED to build muscle to use heavy objects. Get a weapon AND learn how to drive. Nothing sucks worse ass than having to actually run from your problems.

**Step 2: **After getting your main necessities, stock up on supplies. This means food, water, gun shells, tires, beer, a few obese kids you can throw at zombies to save yourself mass amounts of time because really, their parents don't care enough. It they did, their kids would have an exercise routine and a healthy diet. Anyway, you'll also need a map, radio(it's music and some communication, keep up with the outside news), lighters, flamethrowers, loads of dynamite, and a lessened sense of humanity. If your loved ones are eating away at your family pet, it's time to cut all emotional ties and screw those bitches over, they'll only love you for your meat.

**Step 3: **Get in shape. Go to the gym, because gas stations will run out of gas or abandoned cars will block your way on the road, and you'll have to get to the nearest place for shelter on foot. Trust me, with raging brains and hunger trailing on your ass 24/7, determination won't be enough. Run a long track each day, pick up the speed when you feel like you're good enough. Or just steal a little kid's bike and practice your leg strength, you'll need it.

**Step 4: **The apocalypse has struck, you've followed steps 1-3. Good for you, but it's not over. Keep your fucking focus! After running around, trying to act like a badass, making yourself look like a retarded duck to no one in particular, find a secure HQ. At the end of the day, around 5pm, zombies will start coming out. Best place to hide is somewhere enclosed and spacious because that way, you can run in circles and lead the zombies to nowhere and close them in. You'll have to go out and lessen the population of meat-hungry whores, getting back to a safe, zombie-free zone is key. My personal favorite would be the mall. It has everything and a shitload of hiding places. If you're traveling in groups, keep it to 8 people at the most, because more than that will create too much noise and bad attention.

**Step 5: **You're almost ready to survive. If you got lost on the way here, kill yourself or let the zombies do it. You're obviously not worthy. Anyway, the most important thing you should ever remember: strength in numbers. Ever notice in movies how zombies always attack in mobs? You should, too. Try and find any survivors if you can. If not, follow steps 1-4, you'll survive for a good while before the zombies figure out your routine or start dying of starvation. If you DO find any survivors, show them these steps and help them prepare. Remember step 4: no more than 8 people a group. Never go anywhere alone, because chances are, a zombie WILL pop out of nowhere and eat you. It always happens.

Those are all the easy steps you can do to survive ZA. If you like a fucking challenge and are an idiotic outgoing bitch, try some bonus tips:

**Bonus #1:** Watch some tutorials on zombie makeup. Perfect it. Or closely observe the face of a zombie so you know how to beat your face in. We all make sacrifices, you gotta make some to keep the feeling of popularity in you. Get a zombie look on if you want to blend in. Also, take acting lessons or be antisocial for about a year so you won't have any trouble acting like the walking dead.

**Bonus #2: **Wash some of your clothes in sewage so the zombies don't smell human traces on you. Even though they'll have limited senses, they can still smell pretty well. Get outdated perfume and mix it with sewer water so you smell so disgusting, even the nastiest of undead bitches won't fuck with you.

**Bonus #3: **So you wanna keep a sense of fashion while fighting off hoards of raging cannibals, and you need to be quick on your feet to outrun them. This is where the term "whore" cannot be held against you. Wear tight yet comfortable clothing. When running, some part of your shirt or pants will get stuck, and you'll turn into a hopeless rabbit cornered by a pack of wolves. Keep your hair up or cut it short so you'll actually see where you're going. When it's hot outside, girls; keep a little dignity and don't wear bikinis. Zombies won't stop to watch you get a tan. Guys; simple attire is key. If you have prized Supras that you don't want to get dirty, and you're running around in flip flops, don't make me come over there and smack you. Get over yourself and wear those damn things! You can break into an owner-less shoe store and get more of them later. Custom-made? Oh well...

**Bonus #4: **Why the hell are you still reading this? Get off this damn guideline and use common fucking sense!

DON'T FUCK WITH ZOMBIES!

**That was my apology one-shot for you guys. Sorry for making you wait for so long to read my other stories. My laptop's power chord decided to go ballistic and stop working, so my computer's been dead for the past several months. I'm using my mom's computer at the moment. Recently, I got accepted into arts school and I completely flipped. I promise I WILL get my chord fixed and WILL continue uploading more chapters for my stories and even make some more survival guidelines at your request. I'm sorry if this also offended some of you, but honestly, get over it. It's a fucking story, not a true statement. Don't like my advice? GTFO. It's fanfiction, not a paparazzi blog.**


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